The Holy Gravy (Modernity Series)

“What in the world is all this traffic backed up for? I don’t see any road work or police lights up ahead!” said Antonio.  His daughter Elizabeth sat in the passenger seat, dressed and ready for her gymnastics class, and it looked like she was going to be late.  It was nearing five o’clock at night and the usual rush hour traffic was normally not an issue. 

“Maybe it’s an accident that just happened,” said Elizabeth.

“I don’t know Liz, it kinda looks like all these cars in both lanes are just…sitting there!” said Antonio.

The cars in front of them slowly moved forward, and the cars in the opposite lane began to flow again past them. As they got closer to where the issue appeared to be, they didn’t find anything much going on.  Antonio looked to his right into one of the front yards of a resident, and a large turkey was ambling in the direction away from the road.

“Hey dad maybe it was that big turkey there that got into the traffic!” said Liz.

“Yeah, that must have been it. Goofy bird,” replied the dad.

 The next night on their way to gym practice, as Antonio neared the intersection that preceded the turkey incident the previous night, he looked over and noticed a strange new sign on the side of the road that must have appeared during the day.   It was a little image of a cartoon turkey and the words “Gravy Crossing: Be Careful!”  Antonio didn’t know what to think of that as he kept on driving up the road. Suddenly the car in front of him hit their brakes and luckily he was paying attention and driving the correct distance.

 “What the heck man?!” said Antonio. Liz gave a little giggle and said “It must be Gravy, dad!” 

He looked over at her with a frown. “You saw that sign back there? I guess this turkey is becoming something of a local star, huh?” said Antonio.  He looked toward the front of the car ahead and sure enough, there was the turkey, just standing there in front of the left side of the vehicle. The bird even began to peck at the car, as turkeys are notoriously known for being a particularly aggressive and dominant creature.

 “That turkey better not touch my car! He may not like what happens next!” said the dad. Liz just looked over at him balefully, saying “you wouldn’t run that turkey over, would you dad?” He had to pause for second before he said something he may not want his daughter hearing.  “No, of course not sweety,” he replied. 

 Once again, Antonio waited for the turkey to move. After a minute or so, the traffic resumed its normal movement. As they crept along, Antonio and Liza looked over and saw one of the locals throwing a piece of bread to the bird. Oh yeah, feed it! Great idea! Thought Antonio as they headed off to practice. 

 Later that night when they had gotten back to the house, Antonio picked up the local free newspaper this his wife had brought home from the store.  He flipped through the pages, browsing the headlines and looking at some of the photos.  His gazed stopped suddenly on the bold letters reading “Turkey Captures The Hearts of Locals”.  Below was a photo of the ugly thing standing triumphantly next to the same road Antonio just drove on moments before.  Apparently this turkey was claiming this area as his own, and all the big cars were just other big turkeys to him.  “I don’t know if I like where this is going. Did you see this, Rachel?” he said to his wife.

 “Yeah, that’s pretty funny huh!” she said.   Judging by the stoic look on Antonio’s face, he did not in fact find it humorous at all. “You aren’t the one getting stuck in five o’ clock traffic trying to get to practice on time, dear,” he said.  “I hope someone calls animal control to relocate him and that this doesn’t become a…thing.”  A creeping suspicion that it would become a thing found its way into the busy world of Antonio’s mind. He got up and went to the kitchen to make himself a turkey sandwich with some tomato and mayonnaise, and he made sure to fully enjoy every bite.

 But ol’ Gravy wasn’t going anywhere. Three nights a week for months, Antonio was subjected to the creeping and halted traffic, cars slamming on brakes, kids and adults standing in their yards pointing and laughing as the bird wreaked his own form of havoc on the bustling road. Oftentimes the traffic would be back up to the nearest intersection, keeping everyone stuck at green lights until the lights eventually turned red, leaving them in place for a few moments longer. By this time, Antonio was secretly wishing that little Gravy would find himself stuffed and in an oven before long. 

 It was winter now, and the snow had piled up in mounds on the side of the road after a large snow storm hit the area. If Antonio thought the traffic issue was bad before, now it was just plain ridiculous. On his way home back down the road one night after practice, it was dark…if that damn turkey comes out into the road now there is no way anyone will be able to stop for him. If all these people really loved that turkey like they say, they should relocate him before they wake up and find him dead one morning. That night the road was turkey-free, and Antonio breathed a sigh of relief. 

The next morning, Antonio found himself aimlessly browsing social media.  As his fingers swiped down, he glanced a familiar gobbler.  The post was from a local publication and the headline read “Gravy Is Dead After Being Struck By A Vehicle”. Antonio couldn’t help but shake his head, knowing that this type of thing could have been prevented if people weren’t so focused on making Gravy some type of superstar. He decided to check the comments to see if anyone else had a similar mentality to him during the Gravy escapades.

What he found here didn’t surprise him, but left him somewhat in a state of shock.  Not only were people outpouring their hearts and emotions for “poor little Gravy”, with comments such as “He attacked my car once and I thought it was hilarious!” and “I love it when I see all the cars up ahead not moving…I just know its our boy Gravy!”.  The comments that worried him the most were the ones for people calling for the head of the true villain in all this; the automobile driver that hit the hapless turkey.

“I can’t believe this happened! Is there video of it? Does anyone know who did it?” said one comment.  The replies beneath were even more disturbing. “Yeah I bet someone captured it on their ring cam!” and “I was there when it happened, it was dark and it was some old lady that just sped off real quick!”  Antonio tossed his phone onto the couch and had to take a breath.  These folk wouldn’t really go after an old lady over a damn turkey….would they?  He thought about that for awhile and the answer couldn’t have been more obvious. Of course the mob would.  He called his friend Mike to see if he had heard anything about all of this nonsense.

“Yeah man I saw it on social media today, maybe not the same post you saw.  They found out exactly who did it and it sounds like they are going to confront her!” said Mike hysterically. Oh no, I gotta stop this somehow thought Antonio. “Thanks Mike. Text me over the address information if you can find it.  It sounds like that shouldn’t be too hard now.  I hope the police are paying attention to this; from what I read a few weeks ago, plenty of people warned the authorities about the dangers of letting a turkey disrupt traffic night after night after night,” said Antonio. He got off the phone, and a few minutes later Mike texted the address with the words “Be careful brother!”

It was a Saturday, and after finishing up his lunch he decided to take a drive by the given address to see if anybody was around. He didn’t really know what he was looking for, but something was tell him he needed to check it out anyway.  At the least, maybe he could warn the old lady at the house.

Driving past the crime scene, he couldn’t help but be a little happy, now that he didn’t have to worry about the traffic issues anymore. Once he pulled onto the street on which the old lady lived, what he saw blew his mind.  There were people there in her front yard, holding signs that said ridiculous things like “murderer!” and “cars don’t kill turkeys, PEOPLE kill turkeys!” and “Gobble Gobble B**ch!”.

Antonio got out of his car and walked up to the sidewalk behind the roughly 20 people all milling about in the front yard.  Suddenly the front door swung open, and the suspect, a strong looking older woman of about 68 years of age, walked out onto her front porch.  She had her head held high and she clearly had something to say.  “There she is!!” they shouted, followed by a series of boos and hollers. “What do you have to say for yourself, turkey murderer!!” someone shouted.

The old woman held her shoulders back and began to address the crowd. “At roughly 5 o’clock last night I was on my way home and I got a call from my husband.  I answered even though I’m not supposed to drive and talk on a phone, I answered because my husband never calls me unless its an emergency. I was on my way home anyway, so why would he call? When I connected, on the other end I heard a faint rasping sound and I knew that something wasn’t right. I told him to hold on and I began to drive as fast as I could without causing any issues.  If a cop tried to stop me, I would explain the situation after he had followed me home. Now of course you know where this is headed, thats why you are all here. That turkey decided to walk right out in front of my vehicle as I sped along. I stopped for him, slamming on my brakes, but he wouldn’t move. I honked and honked, and he moved just a bit to the side so I could get my car around…or so I thought. My mind at the time was not on the safety of a turkey that has been nothing but a nuisance for months now.”

Here she began to break down a bit, but she kept her head up and continued speaking. “My husband and I are both old, but he needs special medical attention at times and I am able to do that for him.  When I got home, he was taking his last breathes on the floor near the couch.  If that turkey hadn’t been in the road, if someone had relocated that damn thing like they should have, my husband may still be with me today.”

There was stunned silence in the crowd as the old lady began to weep…but Antonio could tell she wasn’t done.

“How DARE you all come here with these ridiculous signs! What were you going to do to me?! Isn’t it something that you all have more EMPATHY for a TURKEY than you have for your own neighbors?!! Your own species!!” SHAME on you!!!” she screamed.

Antonio couldn’t help but agree and nod silently.

The old lady just shook her head and walked back inside.  The silent crowd dispersed, but not before dropping their signs in the lawn.  Antonio gazed menacingly at the people leaving the area, then walked over and picked up the signs so that he could take them to the dump.

After cleaning up the last bit of trash, he thought he heard quiet laughter coming from inside. As he walked to his car, he decided to turn and look back at the house.  He thought he saw the curtains move a bit, and he thought he saw not one set of eyes looking out at him quickly…but two…

He laughed to himself out loud right there in the yard, then hopped into his car and drove away with the biggest smile on his face.